Transcript – Simpsons: The Springfield Files

Simpsons: The Springfield Files #3601

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The Simpsons

JULIE KAVNER as Marge Simpson
YEARDLEY SMITH as Lisa Simpson
Maggie Simpson
Grandpa Simpson

Guest Stars


Other Characters

HARRY SHEARER as Mr Burns and the ‘Alien’
HANK AZARIA as Chief Wiggum
Kent Brockman
Dr Nick Riviera
Reverend Lovejoy
Barney Gumbel
Ned Flanders
Krusty the Klown
Groundskeeper Willy
Dr Julius Hibbert
Jimbo Jones
Santa’s Little Helper
Blink-and-You’ll Miss Them
Donkey Kong
Marvin the Martian

Directed by WES ARCHER


(Bart writes “The Truth is Not Out There” on the blackboard, The Simpsons use rocket packs to land on the couch)

(Sitting behind a darkened desk) Hello, I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies, and in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer…is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield… (Opens a story book)

HOMER: (At the nuclear plant) T.G.I.F! Guys, I’m off to Moe’s.

LENNY: But Homer, it’s ten in the morning!

HOMER: Don’t worry, I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called… “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.” First, I hook this common VCR into the security
camera system like so, then I insert this old videotape of us working on a continuous loop. (The tape from the 1970’s has Homer eating donuts in a “Sit On It” T-shirt, and talking to Lenny. Then, the tape abruptly cuts to Lenny doing a Saturday Night Fever style move – flares and all)

BURNS: (Watching the tape on the security monitors) So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing Smithers, something gay no doubt?

SMITHERS: What? What?

BURNS: You know, light-hearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town! He he he!

SMITHERS: Ha ha ha! Exactly, sir. (quietly) ha ha ha…

OLD MAN: (At the retirement home) Thank God it’s Wednesday.

WOMAN: It’s Friday.

OLD MAN: Uh oh, wrong pills. (White hair, and a long beard, suddenly grow) Uh, little help?

(At Noiseland Arcade: “Friday meet Donkey Kong in person”, Donkey Kong is smoking and scratching himself, without an audience.)

MAN: Sorry Donkey Kong, but you’re just not a draw anymore. (Donkey Kong throws a barrel, and knocks him down) Hey, he’s still got it!

MILHOUSE: (At the arcade, eposits quarters into Kevin Costner’s Waterworld Game) 38, 39, 40 quarters. This better be good.

GAME: (Character moves two steps) Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.

MILHOUSE: What a rip!

DR HIBBERT: Thank God it’s Friday! Hmm hmm hmm…(Closes the door as he leaves his office)

SENILE MAN: (Stuck in the x-ray Machine) Hello? Hello?

MARGE: (Picks up magazine: Better Homes Than Yours) Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad Fawn! Hmmm…Shoo shoo!

LISA: All right! Time for ABC’s T.G.I.F. line-up!

BART: Lise, when you get a little older, you’ll realise that Friday is just another day between NBC’s Must-See Thursday and CBS’s Saturday night Crap-o-Rama.

MOE: (At Moe’s Bar) Another Duff Homer?

HOMER: Nah, it’s Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special.

MOE: Sure, sure. Here you go, Düff. From Sweden, huh huh.

HOMER: Goal! Wait a minute, this is Duff!

MOE: Heh heh, you got me didn’t you? Okay, here you go, Red Tick Beer. (Label reads Red Tick Beer: Suck One Dry)

HOMER: Cold, refreshing, and something I can’t quite put my finger on.

TESTER: (At the beer processing plant, dogs are swimming in a vat of beer, Tester tastes some) Hmm, needs more dog.

HOMER: Well, it’s 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

MOE: Just a second, Homer. You gotta take a breathalyser test before I let you drive home.

HOMER: (He breathes into the machine, it reads: Tipsy, Soused, Stinkin’, Boris Yeltsin.) Uh. I guess I’ll walk home. (Walks out, then sways) Ohh.. (As he walks down the street, lights come towards him, and he hears a spooky tune. The lights draw near, and it’s the Sprinfield Philarmonic, the bus stops and a violinist gets off. He sees a bilboard, with the word DIE.) Aargh! (Then a branch is blown aside, and Homer reads DIET and screams again) Arrrgh! (He runs and a shadow emerges from the forest, it is Grandpa.) Ahhh!

GRANDPA: Oh, son I’m glad to see you. I went for the morning paper and I got lost.

HOMER: No time for you, old man! (Pushes him over, then while running trips over a root. An X-Files type song is heard, then a green glowing emerges from the forest, then Homer sees the alien)

HOMER: Please, don’t hurt me!

ALIEN: Don’t be afraid.

HOMER: Yahhh! (Runs through a field, creating the pattern Yahhh!, in crop circle fashion)

MARGE: (Homer bursts into the bedroom) Homer, it’s 2am. What happened?

HOMER: It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said, ‘Don’t be afraid’!

MARGE: Have you been drinking?

HOMER: No! Well, ten beers.

MARGE: Hmmm.

HOMER: (At breakfast the next morning) I’m telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.

LISA: Maybe you just dreamed it.

HOMER: Oh yeah? Well when I came to I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that!

MARGE: More sausage? (Homer drools)

LISA: Dad, according to Junior Sceptics Magazine, the chances are 175 million to one of another form of life actually coming into contact with ours.


LISA: It’s just that the people who claim to have seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh..and you.. dad. Ha ha.

BART: (Bart runs in with a water pistol, and slinky eyes) I am the thing…from Uranus!

HOMER: Ahhh! Oh, it’s Bart. I can’t believe it. I’m being mocked, by my own children. On my birthday.

BART: It’s your birthday?

HOMER: Yes. Remember? It’s the same day as the dog’s.

LISA: Santa’s Little Helper, it’s your birthday? Ooh, we’ve got to get you a present. Yes we do. Yes we do! (Runs to the dog)

BART: We love you.

MARGE: Poor doggy. Poor doggy! (Lisa, Bart, Marge and Maggie all hug the dog)

HOMER: Lousy loveable dog.

HOMER: (At the nuclear plant) Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. Oh, wait, that was my physical.

LENNY: Nice going Homer, really. (Crowd groans and leaves)

HOMER: (At the police station) The alien has a sweet heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night, like Urkel.

WIGGUM: Well your story is very compelling, Mr Jackass, I mean Simpson. So I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Hmm hmm hmm… (Makes fake typing motion)

HOMER: You don’t have to humiliate me. (Leaves)

ARSONIST: (Enters, with scorched clothing) I just torched a building downtown, and I’m afraid I’ll do it again!

WIGGUM: Oh, yeah right. I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Dum dum dum…fruitcake.

Division of Paranormal Activity
Washington, D.C.

(There is a picture of J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, Scully is typing on the computer, she has a mug with an ‘X’ on it.)

MULDER: Look at this Scully. (Shows her the Springfield Shopper newspaper, headline: “Human Blimp Sees Flying Saucer”, with a picture of Homer) There’s been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We’ve got to get there right away.

SCULLY: Well, gee Mulder. There’s also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.

MULDER: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.

Simpson Home
Springfield, USA

(Mulder knocks on the door, and Marge answers)

MARGE: Hello. Can I help you?

MULDER: Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI. (Pull out their ID’s, Mulder’s has a picuture of him in Speedos)

MARGE: Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn’t know I put it in my purse, then I was going to bring it back but the dog chewed it up, and that just made things worse. (hyperventilates)

SCULLY: Actually, we’re here to see your husband about his UFO encounter.

MARGE: Oh, good. Come…come in.

(An exterior of a building is shown: The sign reads: FBI Springfield Branch. Invading Your Privacy For 60 Years)

SCULLY: (At a lineup) Mr Simpson, look at this line-up and tell us if any of these is the aliens you saw. (The lineup is Marvin the Martian, Robocop, Chewbacca, Alf, and Krang)

ALF: Yo!

HOMER: No, I’m sorry.

MARVIN: (The aliens leave) This makes me very angry!

(In an interrogation room, Cigarette Smoking Man hides in a corner, while Scully prepares tests. Mulder has a clipboard with a large ‘X’ on it)

SCULLY: Now we’re going to run a few tests. This is a simple liedetector. I’ll ask you a few yes or no questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

HOMER: Yes! (The machine blows up)

HOMER: (In another lab, Scully taps Homer’s knee for reflex. The knee moves one hour later) Ohh!

MULDER: (Homer, in his underpants and shoes, has electrodes attatched to him while he jogs on a treadmill) Wait a minute, Scully. What’s the point of this test?

SCULLY: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

MULDER: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

SCULLY: Yes. It’s like a lava lamp.

Moe’s Bar
3:02 pm
Temperature 72o
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

MULDER: (In the bar) All right Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.

HOMER: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

SCULLY: Mr Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.

HOMER: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. You happy?

HOMER: (10 beers later) You are one fine looking woman, lady. If I wasn’t married, I’d go out with you like that! I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don’t tell Marge. God I love her! Hey, a penny! (Dives to grab it)

MOE: So uh, so what are you guys anyhow?

MULDER: Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.

MOE: FBI, huh? Excuse me. (Goes to the back room, where two boys are hosing down a whale) All right, they’re on to us. Get him back to Sea World.

HOMER: (Even more drunk) So I said, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end.

SCULLY: Mr Simpson, why don’t you show us where you went when you left the bar.

HOMER: (In the forest) I was standing right here, when the horrible creature emerged from the woods. (There is a rustling from a bush, and Mulder and Scully pull out their guns)

GRANDPA: (Grandpa emerges) God help me! I’ve been here for four days, and a turtle’s got a hold of my teeth! There he is. (Chases the turtle) Come back here, you! Shut up! I’ll get you…

SCULLY: This is the worst assignment we’ve ever had.

MULDER: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?

GRANDPA: Ow, it bit me with my own teeth!

SCULLY: No, this is much more irritating. I’ve seen enough Mulder, let’s go.

MULDER: Yeah okay. But somewhere out there, something is watching us. (Scully rolls her eyes, and leaves) There are alien forces acting in ways we can’t perceive. Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. (Hours later) When you consider the wonders that exist all around us, Voodoo priests
of Haiti, Tibetan Numerologists of Appalachia. The unsolved mysteries of …unsolved mysteries. The truth…is out there!

MOE: (Carrying the whale) Who would have thought a whale could be so heavy? Jeez it’s the Feds! (Runs)

HOMER: (In bed at night) Oh Marge, I’ve never felt so alone. No one believes me. Uh, this is the part where you’re supposed to say, “I believe you, Homer.”

MARGE: I don’t believe you, Homer.

HOMER: You do! Oh Marge, you’ve made me so happy.

MARGE: Homey, you’re not listening. You’re only hearing what you want to hear.

HOMER: Thanks, I’d love an omelette right about now.

MARGE: Homer, please! I try to be supportive, but this has gone to far. Please just let it be.

HOMER: No, I can’t. This is my cause. I’m like the guy who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What’s his name? Apollo 3?

MARGE: Please, let’s just go to sleep.

HOMER: No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I’m crazy. Unless you’re feeling… amorous. Rrrr!

MARGE: No I’m not.

HOMER: Well then, good night.

BART: (In the kitchen) Hey dad. What’s the word, you planning crackpot?

HOMER: Oh, I suppose you’re going to mock me too.

BART: Actually dad, I believe you.

HOMER: You do?

BART: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.

HOMER: Thank you son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?

BART: Hell yes.

HOMER: That’s my boy. If you believe in me, then I’m not going to give up. I’ll prove I’m right. This Friday we’re going back to the woods and we’re going to find that alien!

BART: What if we don’t?

HOMER: We’ll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.

BART: They’ll buy anything. (Laughs loud)

HOMER: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming too. Haa haa haa! I kill me.

FROG1: Bud

FROG2: Weis


FROG1: Bud

FROG2: Weis



BART: (In the woods, with camping equipment labelled: ‘Property of Ned Flanders’) Yo, dad can I have a sip of your beer?

HOMER: No son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies and kids with fake ID’s. Besides, it’s such a beautiful night, how about a ghost story.

BART: (With torch on face) …And that, is how much college will cost for Maggie.

HOMER: No! No! No!

BART: (later) You know dad, it doesn’t matter that we didn’t see the alien. I really had a great time out here.

HOMER: Yeah, me too. (Suddenly, there is a green glow, and the X-Files theme is heard. The alien emerges from the woods.) It’s him!

ALIEN: I bring you peace.

HOMER: As a representative of Planet Earth, let me be the first to say… (Steps in the camp fire) Ahhh! Whooo! Yarrgh!!

ALIEN: Ahhh! (Turns and runs)

HOMER: D’oh! It’s gone. We still don’t have any proof.

BART: Oh yes we do. I got it all on tape. (With Ned’s birthday present, Bart filmed the whole encounter)

HOMER: Good work son! We did it! We did it!

NIMOY: (Closes storybook) And so from this simple man came the truth, that we are not alone in the universe. I’m Leonard Nimoy, good night.

TEENAGER: Uh Mr Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.

NIMOY: Oh, fine. Let me just get something out of my car. (Runs, and leaves)

TEENAGER: I don’t think he’s coming back.

BROCKMAN: News. A man who’s been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.

MAN: (In a hospital room)Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?

BROCKMAN: No, she won an Oscar, and he’s a congressman.

MAN: Good night. (Dies)

KENT: But first, ET phone Homer. Simpson, that is.

HOMER: Marge, kids, they’re about to show our videotape! (Bart looks excited, while Lisa is Scully-like, and doesn’t believe it)

BROCKMAN: Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamp post, has given us this videotape. It’s a close encounter, of the blurred kind. Ha ha ha.

ALIEN: I bring you peace.

BROCKMAN: The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire channel six news team will be there, except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who’s getting fired tomorrow. (Phil hits him with the boom) Ow! Very unprofessional, Phil.

BART: Well, Lise. What do you think about the alien now?

LISA: I think there must be a more logical explanation. And I think the people of this town aren’t going to be won over by three seconds of videotape.

HOMER: (The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by a large crowd) I’m happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Dr Hibbert?

DR HIBBERT: Yes, is the alien carbon based or silicon based?

HOMER: Uh, the second one. Zillophone. Next question.

BARNEY: Is the alien Santa Claus?

HOMER: Uh, yes.

FLANDERS: Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane?

HOMER: This interview is over! (Slams door, and the weather vane falls)

REVEREND LOVEJOY: (In Church) I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens, he came
in peace,and then died. Only to come back to life. His name was… ET: The Extraterrestrial. I loved that little guy.


(A ‘Welcome Alien’ banner is in the woods, and the band plays ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’. Everyone is in the woods waiting for the alien, including Jimbo Jones with a sign, ‘Alien Dude: Need Two Tickets to Pearl Jam’)

BART: Leonard Nimoy! What are you doing here?

NIMOY: Wherever there is a mystery or something unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.

BOY: Hey, Spock, what do you want in your hot dog?

NIMOY: Surprise me.

HOMER: Take a look at this Lisa. (Holds up ‘Homer Was Right’ T-Shirt) You don’t see any “Homer is a Dope” T-shirts, do you?

BOY: We sold those out in five minutes.

HOMER: D’oh! (Marge and Maggie approach, wearing “Homer is a Dope” shirts) Marge, how could you?

MARGE: These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on “Dope”.

HOMER: I’ll take two. (Suddenly, the clouds draw together and the X-Files theme plays, as a green figure approaches)


HOMER: Look. There it is!

MARGE: Oh, Homey. Honey I’m so sorry I doubted you.

ALIEN: I bring you love.

DR HIBBERT: Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?

ALIEN: Ah, I bring you love.

LENNY: It’s bringing love, don’t let it get away!

WILLY: Break its legs!

LISA: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! (Lisa shines her torch on it)

MR BURNS: Hello, children. I bring you love.

WILLY: It’s a monster! Kill it! Kill it!

SMITHERS: It’s not a monster, it’s Mr Burns.

WILLY: Oh, it’s Mr Burns. Kill it!

SMITHERS: No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work Mr Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments designed to cheat death for another week. First Mr Burns’ chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment. Then a team of doctors administer his eye drops, pain killers, and a vocal cord straightening. (Mr Burns is bent over, twisted, then jabbed with various needles and instruments.)

DR NICK: Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing. (Holds huge instrument) Till I jam this down your throat!

SMITHERS: The whole ordeal leaves Mr Burns twisted and disoriented. (He walks into the woods dazed and confused)

DR NICK: The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

BART: But what’s with the glowing?

MR BURNS: Um, I’ll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner. And now that I’m back to normal, I don’t bring you peace and love, I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and –

DR NICK: Time for a booster! (Jabs in a needle)

MR BURNS: (Sings) Good morning star shine. The Earth says hello…

NIMOY: They twinkle above us, we twinkle below.

CHORUS: Good morning star shine…. (Scully is seen wearing a ‘Homer is a Dope’ T-shirt, singing with Mulder and Chewbacca)

MARGE: Well, you said you’d bring us peace and love, and it looks like you did it. I’m proud of you Homey.

HOMER: Thanks Marge.

TEENAGER: (Closes the storybook) And so concludes our tale. I’m Leonard Nimoy. Goodnight, and keep watching the skis. Uh, skies.